NASHVILLE, TN. Pundits report that the first Back Yard Presidential Debate was a complete failure. Jack the Scottie, Puppy Party Candidate, faced off with Mr. P. Nut Squirrel, Rodent Party Candidate, in the first of three debates.
Footage of the debate is not available. Mice had burrowed into the cameras of WPUP, the media outlet with exclusive access to the proceedings. Puppy Party officials cried, “Sabotage!!” Rodent party officials pointed to the need for a warm place for rodents to spend the winter. “It looked like the ideal place for a mouse family,” claimed one party official. “After all, the pups have a warm house to live in. We rodents are stuck outside all year long!”
The debate was to have been moderated by animal enthusiast, Dr. Ida Love Creatures. Ms. Creatures, a frequent contributor to Sunday morning news shows on WPUP, said that the focus of the first debate was to have been the security of the back yard.
As Dr. Creature was in the process of framing her first question, Vice-Presidential Candidate, Arya the Porch Dog, leaped through the dog door and chased Mr. Squirrel off the podium. Mr. Squirrel refused to return to the stage and, instead, sat in the tree overhanging the deck, scolding the moderator and opposing candidate. He also attempted to drop nuts onto the heads of unsuspecting members of the press core.
A Rodent Party official released the following statement. “Mr. Squirrel will not compete in any future debates unless we receive assurance that the Puppy Party Vice Presidential candidate will be kept inside the house.”
Puppy Party officials apologized for the misunderstanding. Vice Presidential Candidate, Arya, claimed that she heard someone mention “squirrels” and was just enthusiastically leaving the house to investigate. Jack the Scottie remained silent on the event.
Ms. Creature, when interviewed, said, “I love these puppies and squirrels. I’m just certain that things will work out better next time. And isn’t Jack just the most lovely dog you have ever seen?”